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SELAMAT MENYAMBUT BULAN RAMADAN
"Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age." - Christopher Morley
SELAMAT MENYAMBUT BULAN RAMADAN
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
The stylist replied "no" so the blond left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist replied "ok".
After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, "breath in, breath out"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school in
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
From: mightyjokes.com
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
From: jokesunlimited.com
# If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
# All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
# All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
# It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
# Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
# The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
# You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
# Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
# The
# People of TV never finish their drinks.
# A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
# The chief of police is always black.
# When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
# If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
# Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
# During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
# Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
# Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
# Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
# A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
# If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
# Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
# Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
# All single women have a cat.
# Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
# Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
# One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
# Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
# If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
# Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
# It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
# During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
# When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
# Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
# Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
# When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
# Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
# No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
# If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
# You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
# Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
# Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
# Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
# All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
# It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
# Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
# Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
# A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
# If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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